The Ribbiting Tale of Fit and Tall Who's Path Crossiant Part III

In the car Jeni immediately started to play with her cellphone.  Hannah looked out the window watching the scenery as they drove along the highway into Paris.

“I can’t believe you aren’t looking out the window at things”

“I’m googling  Mr. Sangril.”

“That sounds obscene.”

“Right?  But it sounds better than stalking”

“Why didn’t you do this before we left.”

“I was working on another case.”

“You had already finished the werecat case, what case are you talking about?”

“Oh that obnoxious detective that tried to arrest me when I was following that cat stopped by.”

“Oh? That gorgeous cop with the beautiful green eyes?”

“No, the pain in the ass guy, the one who’s so proud of himself? Any how he had a suspect who had disappeared and he wanted to know if I had any leads.”

“Did you?”

“He had something the guy owned and I could sense he was at a 7/11 getting a cherry Slurpee.”

“Please tell me you are joking.”

“Well that and we met at the coffee shop across the street and I saw the guy getting the Slurpee.”

“This whole Psychic thing is a joke isn’t it, you are just lucky.” Hannah said shaking her head.

“I picked the time and location to meet the detective. So if I’m just lucky, then I’m really lucky.”

Jeni started to scroll through a web page and her head tilted brows furrowed in concentration.

“I know that look, you are on to something.“ Hannah said not really caring if Jeni responded.

Jeni sat in silence as they drove on.  The driver was focused listening to the radio quietly. After what seemed like ages Jeni said “Hmm. Interesting.”

“What is?” 

“Well as long as google maps is correct it looks the office of our client is right across the street from a coffee shop.”

“I swear you have a one track mind.”

“I need time to collect myself and engage in the local culture.”

“More time to stalk your client”

“No, I already know enough to get started.”

“Really what did you learn?”

“Not much, the Wikipedia entry just had vague biological background.” Jeni said distracted.

“Ok, and what you learned was?” Hannah asked starting to get annoyed.

“You know I find it interesting,” Jeni said looking out the window. Hannah sighed realizing her question was not about to be answered because Jeni was already thinking about something else. Jeni continued as though she didn’t register Hannah’s sigh.  “In 1450 Paris was terrorized by a pack of man eating wolves, the winter was so cold that they were desperate and they breached the crumbling walls from the 13^th century that King Phillip Auguste built and they ate like 40 people.  Truth be known the agricultural practices of the 14^th century feudal system was the cause, with crumbling infrastructure due to the Hundred Years War left the city vulnerable to these invaders.  The true beauty of this though is the myth of the wolves.  They feared them, they created these stories, they talked about the leader of the pack, even going as far as to name her Courtaud, which implied that her tail was bobbed. But isn’t it fascinating, that this pack that terrorized this country for months was led by a female, and that they made this whole mythology around a woman.  This was just a short 20 years after the death of Joan of Arc another woman who was mythologized and vilified about.” Jeni talked in a steady stream of consciousness that drove Hannah crazy. 

“So what happened to the bob tailed she wolf?”

“The Parisians drove the pack down the Ile de la Cite to the steps of Notre Dame where they stoned the animals to death. Sounds very biblical stoning someone to death eh? Did you know that there are natural islands in the Seine?  That’s what the Ile de la Cite means, Island of the City.” Jeni had a dreamy look on her face.

“That’s great, has nothing to do with our case but interesting” Hannah rolled her eyes.

Jeni smiled.  “Oh everything has a purpose, it’s all part of the web of intrigue”

“Oh?”

“In Europe all of history converges. Modern mixes with Medieval in a tapestry, a colorful depth filled tapestry. Speaking of tapestry did you know that the Hunt of the Unicorn tapestries were created not fifty years later in Scotland?  They depict a hunt for a unicorn led my men, but the successful taming of the unicorn way by a virgin.  This was during the period of time when women were actively beginning to lose their rights and restrictions placed on work women could do.”

“Once again what does this have to do with anything.”

“Isn’t it obvious?  Mr. Sangril has a curse on him”

The Ribbiting Tale of Fit and Tall, Whose Paths Croissant Pt 2

PARIS

Hannah and Jeni exit the plane.  Both look worse for the wear after a 17-hour flight with several layover.  Jeni really looks a mess crazy big hair eye make-up that has migrated from the eyes to all over the face.  Jeni’s wearing some awful sweatpants set that says horrifically “Ghetto booty” across her butt (even though she does not possess such junk in her trunk).  The eyeball each other and shake heads.  They then gather their luggage and walk to the nearest bathroom where they both change into “French casual wear”.

Hannah comes out of the stall and with a quick brush of her hair looks flawless in her black tights and rain coat. Jeni on the other hand comes out of a stall with a striped shirt black beret and red scarf along with a black rain coat. 

“I swear to god if you pull a baguette out of your purse I’m pretending like I don’t know you” Hannah said looking at Jeni through the mirror.

“I look very French” Jeni said taking the hat off and brushing her hair into a low bun.  When she put the beret back on her head Hannah noticed that it was way too small.

“Do you even know French?” Hannah asked.

“You ask me this now, after we’ve arrived?” Jeni asked putting on the brightest color of whore red lipstick she could find.

“I didn’t really have time to think about it.”

“Of course I know French.”

A lady walked in with a child in a stroller.  The child eyeballed Jeni.  Jeni eyeballed the kid. 

“What are you doing?” Hannah asked.

“That kid is eyeballing me” Jeni said making a face at the child.

“Probably because even a kid can see how ridicules you look.”

“Dude, this baby is seriously getting on my nerves.” Jeni said trying to put on mascara.  “Look at him, he’s trying to get in my head”

“Are you really getting in a beef with a BABY at the airport.”

“He’s like the kid from the Omen.  He knows the secrets of the universe.”

“Supposedly so do you”

“He’s plotting something”

“You’re a psychic can’t you see what he’s plotting”

“I can’t psychically see through that much evil.   I’m pretty sure he’s the devil.” Jeni was now facing the child tilting her head at him.  He blew a spit bubble at her.   “See that, Damien.   I can tell these things.  His name is Damian.”

“Stop calling that child the devil incarnate. His mom’s gonna come out here and kick your ass”

“Did you see that poor woman, she knows what’s up. He’s evil”

“I thought you liked kids” Hannah asked trying to gather up her things.

“I do like normal kids, not conduits for evil” Jeni said shoving her things in her bag.

“You need coffee.”

“Oh my god I do need coffee. Hopefully they don’t just have those little shots they like to call coffee around here.”

They exited the bathroom and were walking when Hannah noticed a man with a sign. The sign read  “Psychic Honeydew Brie”

“Well that looks like it belongs to you” Hannah said laughing.

“Oh good lets try some French on him” Jeni walked up and said. “Bon juror.  Comment va?”

The man looked at her skeptically. “Honeydew Brie?”

“Oui?” Jeni said with an odd look.

He sighed.  “Come with me” He said in a strong accent.

“Oui” Jeni said again.

They followed him to a parked car.  Jeni was tapping furiously at her phone. “

Pouvons-nous arrêter pour le café s'il vous plaît ?” she asked.

The man looked at her and she smiled a big smile.  He replied irritated “

Il n'y a pas de temps , vous avez besoin de rencontrer M. Sangril”

Jeni nodded.  “What did he say?” Hannah whispered.

The man put the luggage in the trunk. “No idea” Jeni whispered back.  But I’m betting we aren’t getting our snack of honeydew and brie for the ride.”

Jeni turned and saw the child from the bathroom with his parents.  Both parents looked haggard.  The father was gesticulating wildly. 

“I swear he has it out for me!” He said exasperated. “That woman from the bathroom is right, he’s the devil”

The mother rolled her eyes and squatted down to talk to the baby. “Don’t listen to daddy Damien, he’s just tired.”

Jeni hit Hannah on the arm and made an I told you face. “Evil” Jeni mouthed eyes wide and nodding.

“Crazy” Hannah replied. 

The Ribbiting Tale of Fit and Tall, Whose Paths Croissant

PORTLAND

A tall statuesque woman walked down the street carrying a bright pink box of donuts and a cup of coffee.  Clamped between her teeth was a garishly bright donut covered with a thick layer of icing and a layer of fruit loops.  The woman glided expertly navigating the world in her impossibly tall heels, that coupled with her ridiculously long legs turned everyone on the streets heads in her direction.  It didn't hurt that she was also stunningly gorgeous with her short trendy hair cut, perfect figure and amazing fashion sense. She stopped outside a non descript office building.  On the window was a small sign that said "KNOCK LOUDLY CHANCES ARE I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION". The woman balanced the coffee cup on the box while opening the door. 

Inside was a mess.  There were boxes everywhere. Music blared from the tiny speaker of a cell phone that had been shoved into a coffee mug to amplify the sound. The mug was in the center of the room. Furniture was stacked against one wall in a huge mess of items. Laying on the floor in a black robe edged with feathers was a woman who gave her best dramatic look and said.

"Sweet baby Jesus say you brought coffee.  I can't find the pot"

The first woman handed her the coffee, then she took a giant bite of her donut. From around the donut she said. "I'm so glad we decided to start the business here"

The woman on the floor looked up. "Donut guy's a hottie huh?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've had donuts every day for a month"

"Why are you on the floor?"

"I've been in contact with the spirits, deciding how the furniture placement should be"

"You dropped something and were to lazy to stand back up right away didn't you"

"No, I moved a box, I needed to rest it was quite exhausting."

The woman continued to eat her donut while opening the box to examine the contents. "What are you wearing by the way."

The woman on the floor jumped up and with a flamboyancy only she could posses she spun around and showed off the ridicules get up she was wearing. "I've just solved the case of the widow and her werecat lover.  To do so I had to go undercover in the community of Harmony Park."

"Isn't that the wealthy widow community?"

"Yes, and my part was that of a delightfully eccentric cat woman who's husband died old and left her money."

"Well the eccentric cat woman part wasn't much of a stretch"

"Hannah! How many times do I have to tell you! Cats are evil overlords they are waiting to lead us into the new age when they are the masters and we the pets."

Hannah selected a new donut. "Speaking of the werecat case, you got paid for that right?"

"Sure, the check is around here somewhere"

"When are you going to unpack?"

"Don't like forest elves come by and do that?  I mean we are in the pacific northwest wasn't your big selling point that everything here is magical."

"That is not how it works"

"I am pretty sure a leprechaun has been coming in the office at night and moving my shoes around"

"No that's me because I trip over them because there is so much crap here.  Why do you have so many shoes at the office anyway"

"Because I had a premonition that I broke my sandal in my flip flops."

"So you need fifteen pairs of shoes in case your sandal breaks"

"Well who knows what mood I'll be in when it breaks"

The cell phone in the coffee mug started to ring.  The woman swooped over and answered it with a ridicules accent. "Hellur, dis es da Psychic Detective Ahgency of the Jeni, how I can heeeeeeeeelp eweeeee?" There was a long pause.  The woman made a weird face then her face light up with glee. "One moment pleeeeease." She put the phone on mute.  "Hannah how hard would it be for you to get a couple weeks off work?"

"Probably not to bad, I can always work from home why?"

The woman put the phone back to her ear.  "Yaaaa, she's available send da tickets to da Pooortland oooooffice as soon as possible.  For two yaaa? Guuuuuuud, haff a gut day yea?" She hung up and started dancing balancing her coffee as her knees lept akimbo through the air Hannah stepped back. 

"What the hell dude?"

"Pack your bags lady we're going to FRANCE!"

"What is in France?" Hannah said skeptically.  

"My next case" she stopped dancing and turned smiling with impish delight. 

It's been a while

What's new, everything, nothing? Still up to all my shenanigans.  Less archaeology more medicine, but my work life has recently become hilarious.  You know when you have all the stress and you can choose to continue to stress or just start giggling?  Exactly.  Here's the second in my new series called "adventures in engineering hall"

43 Reasons why I love Jurassic Park.

1: They'll never get Grant out of Montana, he's like me a digger

All people that dig are insane, no matter what they dig for.  It's an obsession.  Those who don't do it will never understand the thrill of a find, even if it's just a piece of debitage or a water stain.

2: You want one of those things?  Kids smell.....No they don't...BABIES DO!

NO one other than Alan Grant will understand why I don't want children.  They do smell bro, they do. 

3: Hey! We were saving that!

You-Tube We were saving that!

No really don't drink my damn alcohol, who are you....ok you might be right, lets drink that crap up.  What's a $100 bottle of champagne anyway

4: What no menthol?

No really it makes a difference when you aren't ever going to use the shaving cream and you are involved in industrial espionage, you want the menthol. 

5: So, you dig up dinosaurs?  Growl hahahahaha

Science is sexy.  No you're out of order!

6: I bring scientists you bring a RockStar

I fail to see the problem. 

7: In 48 hrs I will be accepting YOUR apology

Being rich has it's privledges

8: You have a t-rex?  Say again?

We have a t-rex

Of all the animals you could have, the T-Rex is the defining moment when you realize this shit is real. 

9: We're out of a job....don't you mean extinct?

Puns are always funny...

10: Are these figures auto-er erotic? No there are no animatronics at Jurassic Park.

I will forever believe that all lawyers are just dumb.  Sorry lawyers. 

11:But how do you know they are all female, does someone go and uh lift their skirts?

Sorry your argument is invalid. And he is pointing out logic in a much needed area. 

12: Life finds a way

Oh Jeff Goldblum, without you this movie would have never made it. 

13: These are living breathing things with no idea what century they are in, and they will react violently if necessary

Wait...what you say?  FORESHADOWING???? Holy shit? Making a species that you know nothing about is a bad idea? damn it John!

14: Grandpa! Kids!

Really, this expresses my sentiments so well. 

15:Which car are you going in?

Which ever one you are

RUN AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN SMILING KID!!!!!!

16: God help us.....

Enough said. 

17: What do they have in there King Kong?

Holy crap...who planned on making the gate T-Rex passable?  Shouldn't that gate barely let the jeep through? Bad decision.  Engineers. Bah.

18: Our lives are in your hands and you have Butterfingers?

They got all their ad placement with Nedry alone, Gillete, Butterfingers, Coke. Well done Spielberg.  Well done. 

19: God makes dinosaurs, God kills dinosaurs, God makes man, Man makes dinosaurs

Dinosaurs kill man WOMAN inherits the earth

Yes. Thank you.  

20: Here I am now alone, that is Chaos theory

There just really aren't enough Malcolm quotes.  He's as amazing in the movie as he is in the book.  Good casting. 

21: You will remember to wash your hands before eating anything?

Nah, I'm gonna try to see if I can get a virus from an extinct animals poop.  Thank you for reminding me manners Jurassic Park

22: Random ass soliloquy from Nedry about computers compiling. 

Really, how uncomfortable did this scene make you?  Like for serious, if you didn't know he was going to fuck things up you are stupid.  

23: You married?

ME!!! OOH OH Pick ME!

24: Hey, what did I touch?

Oh good people that dig in the dirt are all hopeless with computers...glad to hear it's not just me.  

25: Find Nedry! Check the vending machines

Is anyone else thankful that the image of computer geek has changed from fat to sexy?  A remake of this would probably tell you to check the gym or the video game room. 

26: Are they heavy?  Then they are expensive

Heavy = expensive....well unless it's an apple product, then if there's a little apple emblem any where you might as well hand over your retirement plan.

27: When you've got to go....

No really thank you movie for talking about what no one ever talks about....sometimes you just have to poop.  With your pants on.  In the rain.  While you abandon children in a car about to be attacked by a T-Rex. 

28: You wanna play fetch? God no wonder you went extinct. 

hahahahahahahahaha....no really?  No wonder YOU are going to be extinct! Get him dilophosaur!

29: Well, we're back in the car again

At least you are out of that tree

We should have just stayed in the damn car.  I am tired jackass. I swear the old people are gonna get me killed. (FORESHADOWING????)

30:  Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend.

Manners, I tell you, if you have just been attacked by a dinosaurs and put on your own tourniquet make sure you have a buddy to remind you to be polite. 

31: Think they'll have THAT on the tour?

As long as you hold my hand I'll ride that ride. 

32: We never had control that's the illusion!

Now shut up and give me a damn spoon, I'm a woman and I like to eat my emotions. 

33: *dino sneeze* GOD BLESS YOU!

See, there's this whole thing about manners in this film.  Even in intense situations and interspecies misunderstandings it's always important to be polite. 

34: Hold on to your butts

Not only has Samuel L Jackson perfected smoking and talking at the same time....He's the master of double meanings...hold on to my cigarette butt or my actual butt?  Where is my actual butt going?  IF I don't hold on what happens?

35:

The one and only time I went to Disney Pirates was broken down.  They did not cannibalism the tourists, but it was sad.  

36: We can make it if we run....no we can't. We're being hunted. 

I'm going to talk extremely calmly because I don't want to panic you, however my accent is going to lull you into a sense of non urgency so when i tell you to run you look stupid for a minute.  Sorry.  Good luck with that whole survival thing though. 

37: Mr Hammond I think were back in business

38: Clever gal

Famous last words..... Does anyone else find irony that in this movie women are basically the cause of the downfall of the park...well and that Nedry dude. 

39: Impact tremor

Shit....I'm about to get eaten. 

40: Kids surviving

Does anyone else feel like these kids would have done better with out the adults?  Like me personally I feel like they would have found a shady spot waited for the phones and been like...peace bro. 

41: Mr. Hammond, the phones are working

Really?  The ringing didn't really tip me off.....

42: Mr. Hammond I've decided not to endorse your park.

Me either

Oh come now, what's one little power outage and 10 dead between a few friends....This can still work. 

43: Ending.....

I always felt like the ending could have had a narration with the moral of the story......but since its not there...here's my moral

                        

                        Jurassic Park

The Email that made my apartment complex smile

So I recently returned from field school and thought I would like a delicious salad. The salad attacked my sink and I needed to send in a work order to the apartment complex to fix a clogged drain.  This is the email I sent and their reply:
Hello!
I'm having an issue with my kitchen sink.  Recently I made frozen soybeans and to thaw them I boiled them.  Thinking I had the strainer positioned carefully I was foiled by their sneaky attempt at freedom when several liberated themselves from the bowl and made for my unprotected drain.  Alas their plight of freedom has led them to become lodged most skillfully in my sink and I now have difficulties getting it to drain.  I can see no dastardly bean which raises my suspicion that they are living happily in my u-joint. 
If someone could come and look at my sink I would really appreciate it.  
Thank you
Jeni

Reply:
Jennifer,
Thanks for your email. I have placed a work order so your issue can be resolved. Thanks for the smile you brought us with your nice description.

Sincerely,

Carmen

Mission don't piss off the front desk accomplished.  

Look its me!

Sun burned, completely boobless and holey pants....looks like some archaeology is happening here.

Why are my knees so sweaty?!?!?!??!?!

#digthathole #where'syourboobs? #kneesweat