Last night as i was coming in from work, I saw this

This massive beast stared me down as I tried to enter my garage. I looked at it and said look here bub you go away and i will too, I won't try to squish you or anything.
He looked at me and say "try it beoytch, because i'll bite your ace"
I looked at him again and said fine but just don't come into my house.
He danced toward me menacingly and said "Woman, I am as big as your palm I will do what ever i damn well please"
So I jumped over him certain that he was going to jump up and attack me and ran for the door. Then i did what any normal person would do. I text messaged the only person who I knew was awake and relayed this story. It was mildly terrifying, tonight I plan on taking a camera and specimen jar, just in case.

Today at precisely 1:42 PM, my biological clock went HAYWIRE!!!!! Now I'm not one of those girls that ever really has cared about getting knocked up, out and down, but today I was walking through Burlington Coat Factory and saw this bedding. I knew it was a mistake to go through baby Depot to get to the elevator, and suddenly I felt it. My clock started to tick at that very moment, and my uterus jumped into action and from that moment on I only saw men today as potential fathers/husbands. Not to mention I cried, no literally cried at the set up nursery that had this decoration. Here i am at 26 crying at a nursery because this is exactly what i would want. Christ all might. I am totally screwed. Immediately I started to figure out how old I would be when my child graduated from high school, that's if I got preggers tomorrow. It takes me hours to pick out new clothes, it's taken 20 odd yrs to look for the right man but as of 1:42 pm I now am looking at all men in the wrong way.



I've always viewed my biological clock as a little friend, one that I can tell to go back to sleep when ever, but I've been having difficulty lately keeping that little prick asleep. I must try something new, like booze, maybe he's a boozer. Wish me luck.

Fat chicks smell like what?

So this weekend I did a little of this:









While my friends did a little of this:










I suffered from tent envy....it was very sad.


We had one of these:





I cooked over it every morning, bacon and eggs. I love the smell of the open campfire its like a slice of heaven.






We cooked like this:























So of course I ate like that:

















Then I went home and my developmentally challenged aunt (she has downs syndrome) was visiting my parents. Like the good daughter that I am I took her home walked her inside and her best friends (also challenged but the sweetest little lady EVER!) Patted me on the stomach and asked when I was due. My aunt reply, "No she ain't havin' no baby!"

I went back home and proclaimed that I was now on a mission to loose weight. My best friend was there and offered to work out with me to keep me on track. Then we went to Olive Garden and had never ending pasta dishes. (Yea, I really took that to heart huh?)

This morning I bounded out of bed and decided yes we would work out. I searched through the bowels of my closet and unearthed the only sanctioned work out clothes and sports bra that I own and went out to great my friend who had arrived for our workout.

She was sitting in my living room eating sonic, with large tater tots a RTE44 coke and a sandwich







I of course laughed. She ate it and we went to the gym. I was on the eliptical working my chunkiosity off of me and really getting into it, our goal 20 min. When I thought melt away chunkyness melt away! Then I thought man I'm sweating my proverbial but right off! Then i thought man I smell bacon and it smells good! Then I thought bacon? Who makes bacon at the gym? Is it bacon air freshener to make you work out harder? Is it someone making bacon some where, man does that bacon smell good.

You see this is us-->

















And then she looks at me and says man do you smell bacon? And I thought oh she smells it too! I wiped the sweat that was pooling on my brow with my arm. MAN! I thought my arm smells like.............wait for it......



Campfire




mixed in with




BACON!!!!!



OMG I was sweating bacon scent out of my pores!!!!!!!! I was like what the hell?!?!??! Do all fat chicks smell like bacon?





Then my super sweet bacon gobbling best friend said, well did you take a shower since we got back from camping?


Well no

Now here's the really important part folks, I only had 1 piece of bacon all weekend, I cooked 4 lbs of bacon for everyone else but they ate it faster than I could cook. Yet I was the one who smelled like bacon! I was sweating bacon deliciousness out of MY pores!

So today's lesson:



Fat chicks smell like BACON

It's Friday night and the mood is right.......

First things first, I have a beer right next to me.....why is this important? I'm studying, and research shows that students that imbibe (haha, stuck that one in there didn't I?) in a couple of drinks while studying tend to study better and retain information better. After a couple, well all hell breaks loose








Second, I am listening to Crocodile Dundee is there anything better than Paul Hogan and Linda Kowalski?

I have all three and I love them all, equally. Thank you Grandma for loving those movies and in return letting me love them







On that note, another movie my grandmother loved was Pretty woman with the always classy Julie Roberts. This well conceived love story convinced me that at age 7 that I should become a hooker because it was so glamorous. Thanks grandma, I bet you regretted letting me watch that so many times.














Moving on. Today I gave my sweet baby a bath, dear god did he need one. Afterward he stayed in the bathroom and watched me bathe. Turn about is fair play apparently.








Then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!!






The little beastie babies broke into my bedroom and threw my beloved coffee on the floor of the rug that I just cleaned. Then after a stern chair time we sat down to talk











I asked Maddox if he understood why he was in time out he shook his head, kissed me and ran away, well how do you argue with that? I'm going to make the best mother.

Boiled Down Truths

1: I love it when I am alone in the house it gives me a sense of life completion
2: I love staying up late just cause I can
3: I love staying up late drinking beer because I can, not to get drunk but to just to revel in being over 21
4: I have never told some one that I was IN love with them, loving someone and being in love are SO different
5: I bake to tell people that I love them, it's my way of ensuring that they a: eat and b: know that some one loves them enough to make something just for them c: I also secretly want all my skinny friends to be fat (insert devilish smile here)
6: Sometimes you can't tell love from lust until you think the love part is over.
7: I've never fallen in love
8: I've fallen into lust more often than I would like to admit
9: I'm not perfect, no really not perfect
10: I'm totally insecure about my looks.
a: I'm freakishly tall
b: I weight too much
c: I have weirdly frizzy hair
d: I have a weird tumor on my leg
e: I have really bad skin, people don't know because it's not always on my face
f: I worry that i have breast cancer due to one boob being 2 sizes bigger than the other
i: I like how my small boob is still perky
ii: I like that my big boob fills up a bra properly.
g: I worry that due to a ill placed genetically inherited mole my face is asymmetrical and this will be the down fall to finding a mate
h: I have ski boats for feet, what if they are bigger than a potential mate?
11: I am not a good girlfriend, I don't get the intimate crap
12: I am super dense when it comes to emotions. People crying makes me uncomfortable, me crying makes me uncomfortable
13: I like to yell, it's some sort of primeval emotion I am sure
14: I worry that I am not special enough to have a soul mate
15: I hate living in Kansas
16: I hate feeling tied down
17: I hate the thought of not being able to just pick up and do as I please
18: There's no job conducive to me and all my whims
19: I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my dog
20: Family is the most important thing (family doesn't stop at blood, some of the best family members I have are adopted)

Hellloooooooo Out THERE!!!!

Bet you thought, man that chick completely forgot about her blog. I did. Sort of. But I am focused and will try to write more often. Or when ever i remember which ever comes first

Mother's Day

Sir Elfric

I may not have the urge to procreate but that doesn't mean that I don't love my sweet baby. look at him all propped up on the chair. He is so darn sweet.

Angelic isn't he? Look at that good little baby









Snoozing away on his chair. He's even cuter







Up close and personal, look he's telling me 'uh look here Beotch I'm sleepin move on!'

Sleep away angel mommy loves you.

Seven Culinary Wonders of the World as I currently know it...

1: Bacon, no matter what you may think, this is truly a delight (sorry Muslims and koshers) There is nothing like the smell of bacon. BACOOOOOOOON. There is nothing like the crisp of a perfectly cooked peice of bacon. Bacon is a great garnish, a great breakfast meat, a great sandwhich meat. Bacon. Don't deny your love.
2: Sushi, every piece is like a piece of artwork specifically geared toward the magic of your taste buds, this amazing deliciousness should be accepted in all forms: traditional, modern, got bored and tried this, everything. It's very presentation lends itself to please the eater. Yummy.
3: Coffee also known to be called, Nectar of the Gods by people like me. Nothing like a hot cup of coffee to sit and watch the sun come up, or relax on the patio, or read the paper/facebook/movie. Nothing is better than coffee first thing in the morning when you are camping and haven't slept all night because your genius boyfriend picked the one spot in the site with a sharp rock that jabs you in the back and he can't sleep there because he only sleeps on the right.
4: Tomatoes, you can do so much with this sweet little fruit and it doubles as a veg! Nothing is better than pulling these little babies off the vine and taking a big bite and letting the juice drip down your chin! These versatile babies could be used in almost any recipe, except the nectar of the gods, sorry.


5: Avocados, another wonderfully versatile fruit/veg. Also great for your skin and your health! This is one of my favs for every meal. In fact last week i took one into the restaurant to eat with my meal! If i didn't live in the middle of the US where the poor trees can't survive I'd have about 4 of these trees.



6: Pasta, there are so many kinds and I haven't even tried them all but I have never found one I didn't like, as is evidence by my midsection. Add a sauce and it is pure heaven.



7: Chocolate, what kind of woman would I be if I didn't mention this sweet little baby? There are very few things in this world that are known to immediately lift one's spirit merely by the chemical process of digestion. (aside from you know drugs and stuff) Chocolate has proven scientific benefits. I figure any food that bears necessity to study multiple times in depth is pretty darn good. Also every time I watch the old version of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, (you know the one with Gene Wilder!) I immediately crave fudge like my grandfather made and this movie was one the other night so it made the list.

Panic! At the House!

This is NOT a test I lost an innocent sweet baby for more than 5 minutes. PANIC set in I tore through the house I was ready to call for baby backup and whats, that sitting innocently next to my office chair sucking on a fallen speaker that has Black Eyed Peas blaring their BOOM BOOM POW! ?


The baby that I had lost. I think maybe I'm not cut out to baby sit.

My Secret confession:
I'm a hoarder.
Yes, it's a terrible disease that has plagued my entire family from before my birth. I come by it naturally. In recent years I have been downsizing and cleaning out. I recently have redecorated a new room and am getting rid of everything that I can so I can have a nice peaceful clutter-free life. however, my mother has been helping me to get rid of things and I see where I get this disease from. I put a huge pile of clothes in one room that i most definatly was getting rid of and asked that she just bag it up for me to take to Goodwill. Like the loving mother that she is she put it in the bag while in my room I put the clothes I was keeping because I WILL wear them up. Low and behold every thirty seconds I hear, why are you getting rid of this? why are you getting rid of that? I like this I might keep this. You always looked so nice in that. We can find something to go with that (note: this particular item is a gorgeous skirt that I bought for 3 dollars, I love it, however after 10yrs I still have not found a top to go with it.) Once all is said and done I hope to need a dumpster to get rid of everything that I haven't fought tooth and nail to get rid of. And even then, i think I will need to go back through my closet and get rid of stuff that I just won't need. I have an entire section devoted to camping. (I haven't been camping in years)

On my way into work last night I put my keys into my purse, like i do every time i get out of the car. Then i checked to make sure my keys were in my purse got out panicked because i must have obviously left my keys in the car. Checked my purse again verified the keys were there. Then i locked and shut the door. Then I panicked and thought shit! my keys are in the car! ran back to the car and alas they were still in my purse in my hand. Obsess much?

Having one of those productive days where everything makes sense and goes according to plan. Muhahahahhaha!!!!!!!!!!

I better becareful, knowing me that won't last!

Ok, I love the color green. Don't know why just do. I would paint every room in my house various shades of green, ok I might let some cerulean blue in. why just cause. Keep u on ur toes huh?