Last night as i was coming in from work, I saw this

This massive beast stared me down as I tried to enter my garage. I looked at it and said look here bub you go away and i will too, I won't try to squish you or anything.
He looked at me and say "try it beoytch, because i'll bite your ace"
I looked at him again and said fine but just don't come into my house.
He danced toward me menacingly and said "Woman, I am as big as your palm I will do what ever i damn well please"
So I jumped over him certain that he was going to jump up and attack me and ran for the door. Then i did what any normal person would do. I text messaged the only person who I knew was awake and relayed this story. It was mildly terrifying, tonight I plan on taking a camera and specimen jar, just in case.