Last night as i was coming in from work, I saw this

This massive beast stared me down as I tried to enter my garage. I looked at it and said look here bub you go away and i will too, I won't try to squish you or anything.
He looked at me and say "try it beoytch, because i'll bite your ace"
I looked at him again and said fine but just don't come into my house.
He danced toward me menacingly and said "Woman, I am as big as your palm I will do what ever i damn well please"
So I jumped over him certain that he was going to jump up and attack me and ran for the door. Then i did what any normal person would do. I text messaged the only person who I knew was awake and relayed this story. It was mildly terrifying, tonight I plan on taking a camera and specimen jar, just in case.

Today at precisely 1:42 PM, my biological clock went HAYWIRE!!!!! Now I'm not one of those girls that ever really has cared about getting knocked up, out and down, but today I was walking through Burlington Coat Factory and saw this bedding. I knew it was a mistake to go through baby Depot to get to the elevator, and suddenly I felt it. My clock started to tick at that very moment, and my uterus jumped into action and from that moment on I only saw men today as potential fathers/husbands. Not to mention I cried, no literally cried at the set up nursery that had this decoration. Here i am at 26 crying at a nursery because this is exactly what i would want. Christ all might. I am totally screwed. Immediately I started to figure out how old I would be when my child graduated from high school, that's if I got preggers tomorrow. It takes me hours to pick out new clothes, it's taken 20 odd yrs to look for the right man but as of 1:42 pm I now am looking at all men in the wrong way.



I've always viewed my biological clock as a little friend, one that I can tell to go back to sleep when ever, but I've been having difficulty lately keeping that little prick asleep. I must try something new, like booze, maybe he's a boozer. Wish me luck.

Fat chicks smell like what?

So this weekend I did a little of this:









While my friends did a little of this:










I suffered from tent envy....it was very sad.


We had one of these:





I cooked over it every morning, bacon and eggs. I love the smell of the open campfire its like a slice of heaven.






We cooked like this:























So of course I ate like that:

















Then I went home and my developmentally challenged aunt (she has downs syndrome) was visiting my parents. Like the good daughter that I am I took her home walked her inside and her best friends (also challenged but the sweetest little lady EVER!) Patted me on the stomach and asked when I was due. My aunt reply, "No she ain't havin' no baby!"

I went back home and proclaimed that I was now on a mission to loose weight. My best friend was there and offered to work out with me to keep me on track. Then we went to Olive Garden and had never ending pasta dishes. (Yea, I really took that to heart huh?)

This morning I bounded out of bed and decided yes we would work out. I searched through the bowels of my closet and unearthed the only sanctioned work out clothes and sports bra that I own and went out to great my friend who had arrived for our workout.

She was sitting in my living room eating sonic, with large tater tots a RTE44 coke and a sandwich







I of course laughed. She ate it and we went to the gym. I was on the eliptical working my chunkiosity off of me and really getting into it, our goal 20 min. When I thought melt away chunkyness melt away! Then I thought man I'm sweating my proverbial but right off! Then i thought man I smell bacon and it smells good! Then I thought bacon? Who makes bacon at the gym? Is it bacon air freshener to make you work out harder? Is it someone making bacon some where, man does that bacon smell good.

You see this is us-->

















And then she looks at me and says man do you smell bacon? And I thought oh she smells it too! I wiped the sweat that was pooling on my brow with my arm. MAN! I thought my arm smells like.............wait for it......



Campfire




mixed in with




BACON!!!!!



OMG I was sweating bacon scent out of my pores!!!!!!!! I was like what the hell?!?!??! Do all fat chicks smell like bacon?





Then my super sweet bacon gobbling best friend said, well did you take a shower since we got back from camping?


Well no

Now here's the really important part folks, I only had 1 piece of bacon all weekend, I cooked 4 lbs of bacon for everyone else but they ate it faster than I could cook. Yet I was the one who smelled like bacon! I was sweating bacon deliciousness out of MY pores!

So today's lesson:



Fat chicks smell like BACON

It's Friday night and the mood is right.......

First things first, I have a beer right next to me.....why is this important? I'm studying, and research shows that students that imbibe (haha, stuck that one in there didn't I?) in a couple of drinks while studying tend to study better and retain information better. After a couple, well all hell breaks loose








Second, I am listening to Crocodile Dundee is there anything better than Paul Hogan and Linda Kowalski?

I have all three and I love them all, equally. Thank you Grandma for loving those movies and in return letting me love them







On that note, another movie my grandmother loved was Pretty woman with the always classy Julie Roberts. This well conceived love story convinced me that at age 7 that I should become a hooker because it was so glamorous. Thanks grandma, I bet you regretted letting me watch that so many times.














Moving on. Today I gave my sweet baby a bath, dear god did he need one. Afterward he stayed in the bathroom and watched me bathe. Turn about is fair play apparently.








Then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!!






The little beastie babies broke into my bedroom and threw my beloved coffee on the floor of the rug that I just cleaned. Then after a stern chair time we sat down to talk











I asked Maddox if he understood why he was in time out he shook his head, kissed me and ran away, well how do you argue with that? I'm going to make the best mother.